Okay. I promise to talk about something other than hormones at some point. And soon. But today that is on my mind… and in my brain.
Jasper and I are supposed to be escalating our level of treatment. I was really excited about it too. But when I went in for my “baseline” trans-vaginal ultrasound (which is a topic of a future blog I am sure), they found a 4 cm (over 1.5 inches) cyst on my right ovary. So, this month is a no go for any hope of conception, and I get to be on a fun drug for 3 weeks to help my cyst go away.
I have Polycystic Ovarian syndrome, so I am no stranger to cysts. But, I haven’t had a big one in a while AND I have never been put on meds to get rid of them (my general practitioner just lets them burst organically … and quite painfully). I [foolishly] didn’t expect these drugs to mess with my emotions. And they do.
My ovaries and I have a love hate relationship. Basically, I would love for them to get their shit together and they hate me. Before I was really willing to be super open about my problems but still wanted my rants to go out into the cosmos, I actually got a twitter for my ovaries. And whenever they caused me great pain I would get on and write a few quips or rants.
Anyways, so back to hormones. One thing I didn’t tell you about my wonderful 10 days on Provera is that one night I woke up screaming from nightmares multiple times while I was on it. All of the dreams involved me not being able to control my body. In one I had a dream within a dream, so I woke up from nightmare in the dream and then I knew the nightmare could still get me, but I thought I was awake in bed with Jasper beside me. So, I started shaking him and trying to wake him up, but he won’t wake up. So I try to talk to him, but no noise comes out. So, I start screaming full strength with no noise coming out and panicking and practically hitting him. When I finally do get noise to come out: I am waking up in the real world while screaming. In another dream a venomous lizard is on me and I know it will bite and kill me unless I can grab it by the neck, but my arms don’t work. So, in short, I was really struggling with feeling utterly out of control of my body.
And now that I am only on like day 3 of a 21 day pill cycle, some of those issues are resurfacing. This time, I feel a little less distant from the crazy. It feels more a part of me than separate. And for some reason as I am going through this I keep thinking of The Shining. So, for your amusement: my life in Shining GIFs.
How I feel in general about these drugs:
Yesterday when I realized I forgot to order waffle fries at Waffle Champion I said “I am kinda bummed.” But this is more accurate:
I am fairly confident that this is the look I gave Jasper when he asked if I could go in to the grocery store myself.
Later I felt like being playful with Jasper and I am pretty sure I looked like this:
But if he ever got playful back I probably reacted about like this:
Later in the day when I found internal need to say something along the lines of this to Jasper:
I realized it was because I could pretty easily see this happening… and I did recently by a hatchet.
So, I basically attempted to change the script. It looked a little like this.
As mentioned in a previous post, Jasper and I are really trying to treat out bodies better and take care of ourselves. Luckily not only do I have a husband who can handle all of the crazy I put him through the whole day, but he also cares enough to call me out when I need it. When I pulled out our organic substitute for cheese-its and pulled out a handful he said “Do we need to get real food? Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad?”
Man, I have a good husband. We talked out my concern for brutally attacking him either verbally or physically. I mentioned it seemed stupid to talk out something that is so not me. I also mentioned I was about to watch shitty TV to further numb the crazy, and he pointed out we should find a better alternative. Something I actually like and don’t just do to avoid me.
So I played video games and it was awesome.
The end.
