My Yesterday in GIFs

Okay. I promise to talk about something other than hormones at some point. And soon. But today that is on my mind… and in my brain.

Jasper and I are supposed to be escalating our level of treatment. I was really excited about it too. But when I went in for my “baseline” trans-vaginal ultrasound (which is a topic of a future blog I am sure), they found a 4 cm (over 1.5 inches) cyst on my right ovary. So, this month is a no go for any hope of conception, and I get to be on a fun drug for 3 weeks to help my cyst go away.

I have Polycystic Ovarian syndrome, so I am no stranger to cysts. But, I haven’t had a big one in a while AND I have never been put on meds to get rid of them (my general practitioner just lets them burst organically … and quite painfully). I [foolishly] didn’t expect these drugs to mess with my emotions. And they do.

My ovaries and I have a love hate relationship. Basically, I would love for them to get their shit together and they hate me. Before I was really willing to be super open about my problems but still wanted my rants to go out into the cosmos, I actually got a twitter for my ovaries. And whenever they caused me great pain I would get on and write a few quips or rants.

Anyways, so back to hormones. One thing I didn’t tell you about my wonderful 10 days on Provera is that one night I woke up screaming from nightmares multiple times while I was on it. All of the dreams involved me not being able to control my body. In one I had a dream within a dream, so I woke up from nightmare in the dream and then I knew the nightmare could still get me, but I thought I was awake in bed with Jasper beside me. So, I started shaking him and trying to wake him up, but he won’t wake up. So I try to talk to him, but no noise comes out. So, I start screaming full strength with no noise coming out and panicking and practically hitting him. When I finally do get noise to come out: I am waking up in the real world while screaming. In another dream a venomous lizard is on me and I know it will bite and kill me unless I can grab it by the neck, but my arms don’t work. So, in short, I was really struggling with feeling utterly out of control of my body.

And now that I am only on like day 3 of a 21 day pill cycle, some of those issues are resurfacing. This time, I feel a little less distant from the crazy. It feels more a part of me than separate. And for some reason as I am going through this I keep thinking of The Shining. So, for your amusement: my life in Shining GIFs.

How I feel in general about these drugs:

Yesterday when I realized I forgot to order waffle fries at Waffle Champion I said “I am kinda bummed.” But this is more accurate:

I am fairly confident that this is the look I gave Jasper when he asked if I could go in to the grocery store myself.

Later I felt like being playful with Jasper and I am pretty sure I looked like this:

But if he ever got playful back I probably reacted about like this:

Later in the day when I found internal need to say something along the lines of this to Jasper:

I realized it was because I could pretty easily see this happening… and I did recently by a hatchet.

So, I basically attempted to change the script. It looked a little like this.

As mentioned in a previous post, Jasper and I are really trying to treat out bodies better and take care of ourselves. Luckily not only do I have a husband who can handle all of the crazy I put him through the whole day, but he also cares enough to call me out when I need it. When I pulled out our organic substitute for cheese-its and pulled out a handful he said “Do we need to get real food? Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad?”

Man, I have a good husband. We talked out my concern for brutally attacking him either verbally or physically. I mentioned it seemed stupid to talk out something that is so not me. I also mentioned I was about to watch shitty TV to further numb the crazy, and he pointed out we should find a better alternative. Something I actually like and don’t just do to avoid me.

So I played video games and it was awesome.

The end.

The Crazy Comes in Waves

I will probably go back and give you some insight into what our journey has looked like since we started trying to conceive, but for now I am going to dive right in close to the present.

Sometimes I do not ovulate (which as you can imagine does not help my fertility) and I was recently given a hormone that is given to women in order to jump them back to cycle day one (meaning: to force a period) so that they can have another shot at ovulation in a timely manner. I was placed on a 10 day cycle of said drug and had some fun side effects I would like to talk about.

The first noticeable side effect was some crazy mood swings. As I was experiencing them I kept trying to visualize a metaphor that helped explain it and this is the best I came up with: Imagine your normal ebb, flow, and flux is like high tide and low tide on a fairly peaceful shoreline. The effect of these hormones for me was like huge surfable waves crashing in. I knew they weren't really of me. They felt different from high and low tide… but all I could do was ride them out or get sucked under. I was thankful that I knew they were hormone related at the time so I didn't feel too crazy, but it was a less than enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

I had warned Jasper earlier in the day before St. Patrick’s day that I was having hormone related mood swings, but we still ended up having a rather ridiculous encounter later that night. A little back story here, when I was in preschool I was not wearing green on St. Patrick’s day and got pinched viciously which had left me feeling a little uneasy about the holiday ever since. This year, I had forgotten the following day was St. Patrick’s day until about 11:30 at night.

At this point I nearly panicked thinking I may not have green in my wardrobe for the following day, then I thought hits me: do I need to wear green tonight to ensure that I am not going to get pinched? So, I turn to Jasper and say, “Do you promise not to pinch me if I am not wearing green tomorrow.” To which he teasingly replies “I promise to pinch you,” which sends me into deep, genuine, and irrational fear. I run into the other room and scour both his and my side of the closet for something I can sleep in that is green.  I am throwing hangers around like a mad woman. I finally find an old light green tank top and throw it on feverishly. I walk back in the living room and sigh in relief saying “I found something green.” Jasper’s playful response, “…but that is not really like Saint Patrick’s Day green… I mean it doesn’t really count.” Which I respond to by sobbing violently while yelling “I TOLD YOU I WAS HORMONAL!!!!”

Poor Jasper had no idea what he was getting into. He immediately opens his arms to embrace me. Now, Jasper hates it when my hair is wet. I had recently showered and much earlier he had made a joking comment about not wanting me to touch him with my wet hair. So, naturally my response to his concern, compassion, and open arms is to yell “NO! I’m not allowed to touch you!” and run out of the room.

Did I mention this happened on the first day that I started to notice side effects? It didn’t get much prettier from there, folks. The next couple days, I felt constant opposites. At one point, I sat by myself trying to give words to my feelings. The best I came up with was “I want to punch someone while crying.” Later I deeply felt “I want to walk a mile while sleeping.”

If that wasn’t enough fun, two of my other main side effects were nausea and dizziness. In fact, there were multiple days that week that I was unable to drive because of how dizzy I was and days in which I was basically couch ridden because the slightest movement felt like turning my head into a spinning top. So yeah. Not a barrel of laughs.

One thing that meant an enormous amount to me that week was something Jasper said. I forget his exact words, but the conversation went something along the lines of the following.

Jasper: If I were the one that had to go through all of this, I would just be like: yeah… we're not gonna be having biological kids.

Me: Really?

Jasper: Yeah, you are a lot stronger than me.

I was really taken aback by that. Personally, I do not think I am stronger than him for a minute and most the time I feel like a wimp. Jasper always seems like he can handle anything. When he is sick I usually forget he is sick because he so chill about it, whereas I am a complainy & groany little thing. But it really means a lot to me that he thinks that about me. It makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel more hopeful. It makes me feel like I can do this.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything fertility or my life related or if there is anything in particular you’d like to see me address on here. Thanks!

I think my travel blog just became an infertility blog...

I have never been good at keeping a regular blog. I may never be. But I want to start blogging about my infertility issues. I am going to try to loosely follow Brene Brown’s guidelines of not posting anything potentially shame triggering that I haven’t processed yet with Jasper and close friends, so things on here might be time delayed. But I think this is important to talk about it.

I am trying to be honest about my journey. I want to be honest for a few reasons. One of which is, in some ways I still feel like we are living in the 1950s when it comes to sweeping certain emotions and journeys under the rug. Infertility is a surprisingly common struggle, but it still gets swept under a lot. Another reason I am wanting to do this is just as a way to process and vent to get through it.

Infertility is a struggle that brings up a lot of shame. I for one was really surprised at how much shame I felt and struggled with in response to my infertility problems. In the media and in society being a woman is so synonymous with being the one who brings life into the world (either that or being a sex object but that is a whole different rant), that a part of me felt less than a woman and less than a person as I was dealing with the initial shocks of hearing the news. I would never in my life think that of someone else, but I often treat myself much worse than I treat others. That is an issue that has come to a head through this emotional struggle, and I am truly thankful for it. I am learning self-compassion because my lack of it became so glaringly obvious it was impossible to ignore.

Not only does it bring up personal issues of shame, but it brings a lot of shaming from others (mostly accidental… at least I hope). When people see you in a struggle they feel they can’t relate to, they often say hurtful things. They are often trying to help by fixing the problem. But here’s the deal: I can’t fix this, you can’t fix this, and that has to be okay. You can sit with me in this grief, but please don’t try to fix it. If you are not my God or my reproductive endocrinologist, I am not looking for that from you. Advice, as well meaning as can be, can feel really blaming or condescending. I know you may not hear it when you say it, but that is honestly part of the reason I want to be a part of the open dialogue about this. If you are afraid of a misstep, feel free to make it with me. The more we talk about this the more likely we are to make some mistakes in the dialogue, but I am making a promise right now to address it (if I think it is helpful to do so) and to forgive you if I get hurt. There is no real way to learn how to talk about this other than talking about it.

I want this process to be easier for others starting this journey 10 or 20 years from now. I know it is still going to hurt. I am not a medical doctor so I can’t help on that end, but I am comfortable being open about it. My hope is the more people know about the prevalence of infertility issues and understand what that journey looks and feels like and what we need in the midst of this journey, the better we as a society can respond this over time. Infertility, like any issue that involves grieving or like any medical problem, can look different for different people. And a lot of people that chose to go through infertility treatments will likely be a lot less whiny than me. I am not a stiff upper lip kinda gal. I will rant and rail, but I will get through it.

Feel free to read this or not read it as much as you want. But I am putting this out here and hoping for the best.

Why I am fat and what I am going to do about it…

I have long had an unhealthy relationship with myself. Listening to and reading Brene Brown’s research, books, and lectures on shame has been very enlightening. I am also working on reading “Healing the Shame that Binds You” and about 100 other psychology texts that touch on this subject in various degrees. These books, the Bible, and the some soul searching has lead me to look back on my recent shame path and I’d like to share my story.

The “Early” Years: Emotional Component

I struggle with co-dependency. I grew up delighting at stories of martyrdom. I was a little girl dreaming of dieing brutally for some excellent cause (preferable for God or saving other people from some evil or both). I remember in maybe early middle school thinking to myself “there are so many people in the world, how can I ever help them all??” and that overwhelming thought nearly giving me a panic attack. The concept “I am third” seemed so beautiful and perfect to me (Treating God as first priority, and others as second priority, and yourself as third).  IT wasn’t that I thought I was worse than others… at least not consciously. It was that I thought that ideally all people, especially Christian people, would serve one another and then everyone would be taken care of and loved. At least, that was the idea. Over time, if not at the beginning this overwhelming sense of needing to take care of others diminished who I am and who I ought to be and my on going journey out of it is a life saving one.

High School: Physical component

When I hit puberty I started hating my body. When I got thick thighs in 5^th grade, I vowed to never wear shorts again… and I didn’t for years. By the time I reached high school my physical self-loathing was at a fever pitch. Though I knew I was an intelligent person, I placed too much stock in what my appearance meant for my worth as a person… If I wasn’t pretty (read: skinny) then I wasn’t enough. I basically tried to be anorexic… but I went to food for comfort when feeling shame: so I ended up in a weird place that I shall quasi-bulimia.  I would compulsively eat for comfort… then I would eat very little for days and exercise abundantly… I wouldn’t let myself go to sleep some nights until I did 500 sit ups, and my eyes would get blurry and splotchy in the process.  Then I wouldn’t work out for weeks and try to not eat. Then I would eat like a dinosaur. It was a horrible relationship to food. I felt so less than. I felt shame. And I tried to use food or lack of food to numb the shame. And I would try to use the shame associated with my body image to motivate weight loss… but shame is not motivating. It is debilitating.

Pretty soon I decided to hell with that and virtually banned myself from working out and dieting to avoid slipping back in there. During this yoyo time I was in an incredibly unhealthy dating relationship that absolutely made me fed my feelings of shame and not being worthwhile.

College: Trying to shift focus

My college years were my years to do some soul searching and over working. I didn’t really date much until I met Jasper, just causal quasi-dating. I tried to take the focus off of my body, I would work out or not work out, but tried to not put my worth it in it… but I still felt shame about it. I once took 21 hours in one semester (spit between 2 different universities) while interning at a rehab and living in a commune…. So, I would say that my type A personality won over my self-care in large part. I still had an external focus. I was not great with boundaries. And while I was getting stronger and more self aware, I still really felt that I need to be efficient and helping everyone all the time to be worthwhile thing.

I had so many conditions of worth. I would say my worth is in God, but it was really in giving, or being efficient or having my shit together, or my relationships, or being cute or any range of things that are not truly internal but based on actions that I constantly had to be working on, not an internal innate worth. Feeling like you constantly need to do more to warrant your existence, does not make for a satisfied, thankful, or even worthwhile life.

Marriage: A New Era

Jasper and I met and got married. I kept gaining weight. This was partially because I was working in an environment that did not encourage self-care though they paid lip service to it. They constantly asked more of me. And for a while I constantly kept giving. The more I give recklessly the less I would take care of me, the less I would watch what I ate, the more I would stress eat, the less I would do the things that relaxed me, etc. It is like I only had so much attention and I didn’t feel that I deserved any of it. I also seemed to think, hey Jasper things I am cute and like that I am “thick” so why not another piece of pizza? Jasper was a rock star who constantly would confront my warped perceptions of self. He would ask me why I have so much empathy for others, but none for myself. Why I assume the best of others, but the worst of myself. These were things I really had never thought about.

A year into our marriage I went off hormonal birth control and we started trying to have a baby. I swiftly stopped having a period and started gaining weight. I was convinced I was pregnant. After not having a period for 3 month, but not getting positive pregnancy tests, insisted on getting an ultrasound. I still believed I was pregnant, but that was squashed when I asked the ultrasound tech how it looked and he said “your uterus looks normal, but we need to get another look at your ovaries… one of them is about twice the size of the other.”

Long story made slightly shorter: I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is a hormone disorder that causes virtually uncontrollable weight gain, is a leading cause of infertility, and has horrible health risks associated with it that now make me very high risk for diabetes, heart disease and a slew of other problems. I eventually got put on Metformin, a pill typically given to people with diabetes but can help curb my weight gain and potentially regulate my cycle. But, crappy self-care Deah would sometimes forget to take the pills…

At any rate, by the time my weight stopped ballooning for a moment, I had a vibrant new set of stretchmarks and hated my body anew. The dark comedy that I thought I was pregnant, got stretchmarks on my stomach, and then found out it was caused by the thing that would potentially keep me from ever having children was not lost on me.

2013: Year of Despair

For the first half of 2013 I did not have a job (although I tried and failed at starting an art business) and was not in school. I felt compelled to take some time off for self care, but what I found was that I hardly knew where to start. Sure, I painted and spent time with people, but I felt utterly worthless because despite my self-delusion that it was otherwise my perceived worth was in my efficiency and/or in what I could do for others.  Add onto that the shame I felt at being barren, and the deaths of several loved ones that year, and I was in a very dark place. The one thing I can hold onto about this year, is that my shame became so overwhelming that it could not be ignored. For the first time in my life, I started hiding because of my shame. I would shirk from encounters and opportunities because I just thought I would probably fail because I was so suckie. It was a horrible place to be, but it made me name my demon. And it continues to do so.

Later in the year (after countless tests on both of us and a surgery on my lady parts), we also found out that there is something wrong on Jasper’s end fertility-wise. As heartbreaking as this is and was, it was also a little freeing. “It isn’t my fault” could be internalized completely… I would never ever blame another human being for their infertility. The thought would never occur to me. But as Jasper has been so kind to notice, I have no mercy for me. Only wrath. So, when there was something wrong on Jasper’s side even he said something like “I prayed that if there was something else it would be on my end. Because I wouldn’t blame myself like you do.” (BLESS HIM).

This year, I have actively had to say to myself, if someone else was going through this, how would I feel for them? What would I say to them? And let myself feel those things and say those things to myself. It might be sad that is how I have to do it, but I am just glad that I found a way to be loving and generous to myself.

Bringing it together

Rambling is sort of my style, so I am sorry if I lost you along the way. I have treated myself and my body like a pile of rubbish and the dumpster to keep it in. Early on in my life I connected to the part about God loving people and blessing them, but not about that part of Him where he knows himself and his worth. Jesus took care of himself. Jesus sought alone time for prayer and reflection. He had an inner sanctum of friends. He never said “I am a piece of shit” (which is a favorite of my automatic inner dialogue). In fact the Bible says “No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for his church. And we are the members of his body” (somewhere in Eph 5) and time and time again refers to his people and his church as his body and talks about how Christ treats his body and cares for it. It talks about how he cleans his body to that he can present it to himself without blemish. Elsewhere it says (forgive the mixed metaphor as here he is referring to his church and his body as his children) “ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7). These are metaphors because we are supposed to relate to them, but I could not be more far removed from having this metaphor apply to me. Christ calls us his body and treats us well. HE loves us and gives us what we need. I treat my soul and my body in a way that should make any human shudder.  Why do I say that I want to emulate Christ, but when it comes to treating myself and my body well I could not be further from his image?

So, I have started to change. And it feels good. From this moment on, I want to love my body. And I don’t mean love like the feeling. I mean love like the action, which is the only love worth talking about. I want to chose to love myself and my body. I want to see those stretchmarks on my stomach and still smile. I want no conditions of worth. God had called me worthy. I am now worthy.

Right now I weigh about 215 pounds. This is hands down the most I have ever weighed. And that is okay. I need to be okay with who I am now, and choose to love it. I need to chose the body I have, from my awesome boobs to my stomach stretchmarks, from my blue eyes to my spider veins, from my curly hair to my cellulite. This is me. All of me. I have flaws inside and out. I can love others flaws and all. It is time for me to love me flaws and all.

So, yes, I want to love every pound of my 215 pounds as they are now, but I want to start actively treating my body with love and respect. I want to eat well, because my body wants and needs nutrients... and when I need bread God doesn't give me a rock. I want to work out, not because I need to fit some image of beauty, and not even because I don’t want to get diabetes, but because I want to love my body like Christ loves his. I need to love and respect my inner self, flaws and all, because though Christ humbled himself and was treated like refuse he never lost his inner self-worth, he never succumbed to shame. I wanna be more like him in every way. And this year, I think that means learning to love and respect myself in a new way.

A much belated update

Hiya. Thank you all so much for your prayers! They are much needed! I am feeling better, but and not back to full strength. I can hear out of both ears!!! That is a HUGE victory in my book. I still have a smoker's cough and laugh from my congestion. That may be because for the last several days I have been a little hectic and gotten like only 6 hours of sleep and accidentally skipping meals, so basically blatantly defying Jessie's advice. But other than that I have been trying to take care of myself and did get some good sleep last night.

The insurance issue still isn't sorted. It would cost 900 pounds to put me on the insurance plan this year. We haven't got that kind of money. So I need to look around and see if there is another option. So, please, keep praying about this situation. I'd like a miracle here.

So, we have a few potential ladies who want to move in the house. One is older and from Newport the other is homeless and we haven't met her yet. The one from Newport really seems like she is keen on moving here soon, so please pray that she would be able to. She needs to sort out some issues with her previous living situation before she can move in, so please pray that God intercedes there and has it all just be taken care of swiftly. This woman could really use a lot of prayer, so pray for her safety and her peace and self-control and whatnot.

The other lady I may have the opportunity to meet on Friday. So be praying for that meeting. From what I have heard she is very introverted and withdrawn, so be praying that God would help me to find out a passion of hers and be able to ask her about it. I really feel like that is a beautiful way to help get someone out of their shell and to help built trust. So yeah, she seems to be in a dire situation too. I believe she may be homeless. So be praying for her and her situation.

Let's see. Other than than I have started going to Rhiwbina Baptist Church. It is really far away and kind of a hassle to get there, but the people there seem to be very giving in that I have gotten rides to and from there ever since the first time I went and arrived 30 minutes late because I missed the bus. After church on Sunday some lovely girls invited me to go on a picnic with them and I did. They seemed really nice and really interesting. One of them did like an internship or something with Jackie Pullinger, which I just think is WAY awesome.

Last Thursday I went to Swansea again. Didn't find Libby but got some good praying in, listened to several sermons on my iPod, started writing in the journal I bought for her, and got to have lunch with John Derek Rees. After I came home from that Jess really wanted to go to bingo, so I went with her to that. It was fun bonding with her, but bingo is a serious drag. It is just some dude quickly saying numbers in monotone and you looking for them, and if you talk you get shushed. Not my idea of a fun night out of the house.

Friday, of course was Jamie's wedding. It was beautiful! Then a bunch of the girls hung out at the bay to chill out after all of the wedding prep and tear down stuff. It was really fun and Becky and Kerrie got feisty and stated daring one another to be obnoxious, which was fun to watch.

Saturday Kerrie, Rachel, Jess, Mel, Leona, and I all went to the beach. That was fun. Leona gets really excited about the beach. So does Jess.

Jess and I are going to maybe get more into cooking and cook something a little more extreme or complicated once a week or so. I think it will be fun. Tonight is roast Turkey breast. Jess is going to teach me how she makes it.

Sinus angerment

Hiya, sorry it has been a while. I am going to start out this time with prayer requests.

As I have mentioned earlier, I left the US in June 8th. The plane made the situation much worse, and unfortunately even now have sinus pressure, fatigue, chest congestion, way too much mucus, and cannot hear out of my left ear. Please pray for healing. I have been taking antibiotics, decongestants, and just recently starting taking allergy and hayfever meds. Because I wasn't responding very well to the decongestants and antiboitics, I thought maybe I came here with weakened health, but am allergic to the allergens here and thus things have spiraled out of control. I started my first round of antibiotics the day before I came over. After waiting a few day and my congestion getting worse I realized that even if my sinus infection had healed I probably had one again so I put myself on a second round. I am sure I am a doctor's worse nightmare for my self-treatment, but I don't have international insurance, so I don't know exactly what will happen if I go to a doctor here but I think it will cost me an arm and a leg.

Another prayer request is for me to be covered cheaply with car insurance for the firstfruits car. IT turns out I am not covered by the current insurance plan because I am not 25 or older. This means that there is no one currently living in the house that can drive the firstfruits car. After meeting with a potential mommy to move in the house, we decided that I need to go up to Newport by train and taxi once or twice a week to create a bond with her so when she moves in she will feel comfortable. This would be a thousand times easier if I had a car I could use. So please pray for this need. We are contacting our current and other insurance agencies to see our options.

Okay, I actually have to go, but I will update you later! Thanks for your prayers!

Meetings, Wanderment, and First Trip to Swansea

Hiya!

Honestly, I feel like a day in Wales is the equivalent to 2 or 3 in Oklahoma. They are so packed.

So, Monday morning we had the Glenwood staff meeting. That was lovely. Then Cerys (a delightful woman from Glenwood who has a baby who is about half a year old) picked me up and took me to the bay where we met up with her parents and another mother and all went on a tour of a Tall Boat. We then ate on a different boat. It was lovely and she is lovely.

She drove me home but I didn't have a key and no one was home so I texted Jamie to tell me when she got home and set off to see if I could find my way to town. I did. It was good to get my bearings and do some exploring. I wandered about for about 2 hours. It was good exercise and good fun and I do feel like I made at least one or 2 divine appointments, even if they did seem trivial. I also checked in on a gym about a block away from my house and I think I might join. I have really bad hips and knees and really need to elliptical in order to keep building cartilage and strengthen my ligaments. While I kinda feel bad spending the last of my graduation money on gym membership while I don't yet have enough sponsorship to cover my stay yet... I need to just get over that and try to be a good steward of my body. I am a pretty bad steward of my body and can use prayer for it.

Speaking of spending money, I spent some while I was out. Another ought-not-feel-guilty pleasure: I bought some canvas, paintbrushes and 3 colors of paint. I really prayed about it before buying it and really felt like I ought. Painting is really a blessing to me. I do it when I am stress and it really calms me down and while I paint I usually do some deep praying. And I know God is a creative God and delights when I use the gifts He has given me. Dunno what I will paint yet... maybe a dragon for Wales... Maybe not.

I came home and recouped and helped cooked dinner and then we all went to a meeting to draw up a legal support document for Jess's stuff. It was in a coffee shop and the World Cup game was playing so we had to talk over it. It was a relaxed environment and it was great brainstorming together. I think we drew up quite a blessed document. Then it was home and then to bed.

TODAY - That is Tuesday

Today I got a late start... partially because I prayed longer than I had expected, which is a real testament to the Holy Spirit, because I am AWFUL at setting out time for the LORD and really focusing on HIM. So I took the train to Swansea and got there and settled by about noon. As I mentioned in my last blog. My goal for the day was to sit and pray for Libby and pray that she would come.

I called Derek when I got there. He was with 2 of the girls from his church so after I prayed and waited for an hour I went and had lunch with them. For those of you who don't know, Derek is a 23 year old pastor who founded a new Welsh Baptist Church in Swansea about 9 months ago. So he and the ladies came down and we had lunch for about 4an hour or so. It was lovely. We also were able to get some business done. By that I mean Derek was able to fill me in on some information my dad needs for the Mission trip HHBC is doing next month.

So, after a lovely lunch, I went back to my spot and prayed some more. I called mum and dad and filled them in on the Missions info for a bit, while keeping an ever watchful eye for Libby. After a couple hours I listened to a sermon on my ipod whilst praying and watching. IT was lovely listening to a sermon while literally on the mission field. IT was one of those sermons that gets you fired up and makes you want to act, and here I was but a glimpse of a face away from pouncing into action.

She never came, but I did get several hours with the Lord and several hours of prayer in for her. I think that if I do this vigil again I will bring a journal with me and write in it to her about how much I love her and God loves her so that when I do find her I can give it to her and she can really see how much time I have spent on actively loving her even though she hasn't been able to see it, and maybe that can be a picture God's love. I dunno, we'll see. Maybe next time I will try to make Derek go with me and see if we can find out how to get where she lives.

At about 5:20 Derek picked me up and drove me back to Cardiff because he was going to go there anyways. As soon as I got back we went to Mel's and she had made curry for us. then she had to run. So we tidied up.

Then Rachel came over and she and I had our first little check in meeting. It was so delightful!!! She is really an amazing woman! I cannot speak highly enough of her.

Everyone agrees that is seems like I have been here much longer than I have been. I really do feel like I belong here. Huzzah for God's plans!!!

First Half-Week

Hiya!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers! And comments! I love comments!!!
There isn't much of a story about the cream. The girl just had half a cup of cream and was holding it out to get coffee or something and she just accidentally overturned it on me (she was window seat and I was aisle seat). And if you skype me I'll tell you about the bruise. It was out of a fool-hearty concern for my cat that I bodyslammed the corner of the kitchen table.

Anyways, so I told you about Wednesday. Thursday was rather chill. I went with Jamie to the GoingPublic gap year Christian Leadership Academy that was from like 9-1 or so. IT was really good and refreshing The lesson was about the church and leadership styles in the church and being culturally appropriate. Some fun stats I learned was that 3% of Wales is Christian. Out of the teen to 24 demographic only 2% are Christian. Also, 2 of the students gave presentations and one of them was about spending time alone with the Lord that was quite inspiring. I must admit that spending time alone in the Word has not been my strong suit lately.

Then Jamie took me home where I lay around hoping my luggage would come and trying to recover physically. Got to Talk to mum, dad, and Jasper on Skype which was great. I called about the luggage but never got to talk to any humans, and in the end the luggage didn't come. That night at dinner Jess and Mel's older sister Penny came and ate with us, which was very amusing and interesting. She has got a fair amount of sass in her.

Friday my luggage came at 10:30, which was almost exactly the time I woke up. I unpacked (words cannot describe how great that was) and showered. Then Jamie and I met up with Troy for lunch (whom we have worked with in the past, especially dad). Then we went on errands including getting me a local simcard for my cell phone and a bank account. It took forever to get a bank account. about an hour. But I think I made a new friend in the process. My bank teller was a dear.

Then I met up with Derek at Starbucks. That was swell. Then we came home and had dinner. That night it was just Me, Jamie, and Jess staying home so we went out to Blockbuster and rented some movies and looked around for stuff to do facials. We couldn't find any but Mel bought us some so when Becky came home we all did them. Later when just about everyone had gone to bed, Jess hung out with me in my room and we talked for a long time. It was delightful.

Saturday we had to be in Haverford by 9 for the Crisis Pregnancy course. IT was from 9-4 with a 30 minute lunch break. It is really intense and I think I am going to learn a lot and I like the people there. I have loads of homework from it. Becky went to so we may have a homework party later in the week. That night was the World Cup game between England and the US. So, we went over to Cath's and watched it. She had cooked a lovely dinner so we ate and watched. For those who are totally out of the loop, it was a tie 1-1. Most people around here were rooting for USA because the hate the English so, but out of the girls watching they were not as anti-English. Then we played the boardgame the Big Taboo. It was a delight. It was good to get to know some of the girls from Church on Saturday both through the course and watching the game.

Today we went to Glenwood Baptist. It is a delightful church. I was made to go on stage though, which was quite a surprise to me. They were doing an announcement about the changes and Firstfruits and they mentioned I was new and taking Jamie's place and the next thing I know they ask me to come up there and in short time I am talking in Russian to the audience. Kinda surreal when looking back on it. they prayed for me, which was swell.

After church we arte sandwiches in the park and then I cam home had such a long sleep I guess you could call it a mini-coma. Then it was time for dinner to we went to wetherspoons.

So, that is my week!

Things you might pray about: Pray for Jess very hard this week. She is a dear!
On Tuesday I am planning on going to Swansea and sitting in City Center and praying and hoping that Libby will come. Pray that she comes, and that she remembers me and that we are safe and able to talk and that I am able to feed her. Pray for Libby in general.

For those who don't know, I met Libby last year on mission to Swansea. She is a heroin addict who is forced by her abusive boyfriend to sell herself to make money for both of their habits. Please pray for her. She is so sweet and maybe more than anyother heroin addict I have ever met she seems to have a decent head on her shoulders. She really needs love. From what she has told me about her life, I don't know that anyone has ever really looked as anything beyond an object that they can use. Pray that God's selfless love really shows through me and that His truth reaches her. And that I get to meet her! Okay, that is all for now!

I live in Cardiff, Wales

Hey all! By the grace of God I have arrived. This is of course despite many technical difficulties both on the part of the airlines and 2 of the 3 planes I rode on. Also despite getting cream poured on me on my long flight and then having my luggage not arrive in Amsterdam.

It has been an interesting 30 or so hours. On the sweet side, I had just about the most wonderful send off ever. I had a little family goodbye thing the night before, and then Jasper, Caroline, and my parents saw me off at the airport Tuesday morning. Back to the unsweet side I have a bruise the size of my fist on my thigh and I rode on planes for about 15 hours with constantly changing cabin pressures, with a pretty bad sinus infection that was quite painful and I have not fully recovered my hearing over 9 hours later.

Jamie picked me up. We called the luggage people to give them my address since I had forgotten it. then drove home. Here at Firstfruits was the whole gang pretty much, including Jess, Melanie, and Melanie's little daughter, Leona, who is probably the cutest kid in the entire world. I would post a video or photo, but I think you would just have to meet her to grasp her full cuteness. Also, Jess had made a welcome sign for me! Made me so happy! It was very sweet.

Today was busy, we ate lunch, dropped Jess off, did some errands (including money exchange) and then Jamie and I hung out and talked at Starbucks. Then we came home and the above mentioned gals plus Becky and Rachel all ate dinner. They are an ABSOLUTE DELIGHT! Then we went to a Glenwood Baptist praise event. By that time I almost fell asleep during the sermon (though it was a good service) just out of sheer sleep deprivation.

Pray that they send my suitcase tomorrow! I am sleepy! I am sleepward bound!

GOD IS GOOD! I HAVE SUCH PEACE.

Wanna support me?

Hey Bloggers!

As you may know, I just graduated! Huzzah! I am very excited that God has blessed me by enabling me to graduate with Honors from OU in just three years with a Bachelor’s degree in Russian and a minor in History in addition to my Associate’s degree in Substance Abuse Counseling from OSUOKC. At this momentous time in my life, an amazing opportunity has come up that I really feel passionately about: to serve through a charity in Wales caring for young pregnant women and new mothers!

How did all this happen? After I went to Wales last summer on our church’s mission trip, I felt I might be led back there. Then this new opportunity threw itself at me. There is a charity in Cardiff, Wales called “Firstfruits” which provides a safe environment for two to three young pregnant women or new mothers and their babies. Two “House Mums” minister to the women and one of them, Jamie Howell, is leaving in June and was looking for a replacement. I really have a heart to care for women who are trying to rise above difficult backgrounds or addiction issues. This charity really seems like a perfect fit and I cannot wait to get over there and start helping! I was just offered the position a couple of weeks ago, but I am expected to report for duty in early June. Now that I have graduated, all of my attention is directed towards this endeavor.

How can you help? “Firstfruits” charity is only about a year old and does not yet have the financial support to pay a salary for its House Mums. The good news is that they will pay for my accommodation and some food expenses for my one year of service. I will only be responsible for finding support to cover living expenses which are estimated to be about $750 per month (not including airfare).

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support and encouragement from friends and family since I have told them about this new endeavor. It really seems that God is in this thing. Please consider joining with others as they support this charity. Even a few dollars a month could make all the difference. More important, though, is your prayer support. Once I get over there I will update my blog regularly so you will be able to see how best you can pray for this great work.

You can send donations to me directly through the Paypal account here on my blog (look left) or send tax deductible donations by using the form below and sending it with any financial contribution or commitment. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me! My email is DeahJo@gmail.com . Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers!

Sincerely,
Deah Jordan Rice


Tax deductible donation for: Going Public (Firstfruits), Wales, Deah Jordan Rice

I would like to make a:
One time contribution of _____
Monthly contribution of __________
If possible, please indicate day it will be given (ie-1st, 15th) _____

Make checks payable to: Henderson Hills
Memo: Wales, Deah Rice
Send to: Henderson Hills, Attn: Missions
1200 E I-35 Frontage Rd.
Edmond, OK 73034


A little more about Firstfruits

Background
Firstfruits was birthed after Rachel Cooper recognized through her involvement at crisis pregnancy centers that housing, independent living, education, and employment were common needs that came with unexpected pregnancies. Rachel’s church, Glenwood Faith Community, adopted Firstfruits as one of their community projects. In April 2008, a house owned by a church member became available and was leased to Firstfruits at a low rate. In the following months, volunteers furnished the home. It can accommodate up to three women at a time, with space for one baby per mother.

Mission Statement
“And I will provide a place for my people…and will plant them so that they can have a home of their own and no longer be disturbed…” 2 Samuel 7:10

Aim
“To improve the lives of vulnerable, pregnant women and new mothers, helping them to develop their physical, mental, social and spiritual capacities.”

Objectives
1. To provide a safe and secure living environment
2. To offer emotional support through trained counselors
3. To offer practical support in the development of life-skills, particularly those most relevant for new mothers.
4. To provide accurate and timely information on education and employment opportunities.

Website:
http://www.first-fruits.co.uk/

Ezekiel played with homemade legos... kinda.

Ok, so I am a crazy charismatic that sometimes does things strangely just because I am weird, but I sometimes do strange things because God tells me to. A good Ruth of mine says that my life reminds her a lot of the Old Testament. I guess that is part of way I get a good deal of peace when I read through the books of the prophets. Right now I am reading through Ezekiel (which might I add I have been TERRIBLE at spending time in the word recently so feel free to pray that God makes me do it. The last 2 days in a row God woke me up long before my alarm. On days like that I have no excuse to not read the Bible. It has been really nice.). Today in Ezekiel 4 I read something that I found really encouraging and joy producing.

Ezekiel 4:1-3 (NASB)
1"Now you son of man, get yourself a brick, place it before you and inscribe a city on it, Jerusalem.
2"Then lay siege against it, build a siege wall, raise up a ramp, pitch camps and place battering rams against it all around.
3"Then get yourself an iron plate and set it up as an iron wall between you and the city, and set your face toward it so that it is under siege, and besiege it This is a sign to the house of Israel."

Okay, now I realize that the average bloke might look at this as very straight forward and pretty suckie for the house of Israel. I see that, but I also like to look at the relationship between God and his prophets. Sometimes God has be kinda do stuff like this and I don't get why until later, sometimes he'll tell me to do stuff like this and reveals why as I am doing it. Since God has him write Jerusalem on it, it is pretty clear Ezekiel got the picture right away. But still, God basically told this grown man to get down, presumably in the dirt and "play" with bricks and plates, and make walls and ramps and pitch little miniature camps and "play" war. This act was profound, because it was a stern warning and prediction, but the way God chose to display it was very kinesthetically geared and almost child-like. I am having trouble putting words to why I find this encouraging and blog-worthy, so forgive me if I am not conveying it very well. I strongly believe that God communicates with everyone of His kiddos in the way that is best for them. there is evidence for that in just the ways he speaks to the prophets and speaks through them. Some of them do a lot of talking, whereas others like Ezekiel do a lot of miming and strange physical representations for things, etc. God seems to talk to me like He is with Ezekiel here. Part of me wonders how much Ezekiel had to wait to find the answers to each of the metaphors and how many were instantaneous, and how silly he felt making siege ramps and little tents up to attack a brick while he was sitting in public on the dirty ground (or at least that is how I picture it).

I guess it helps me feel like I am not alone in my... originality. :) Not alone in my strangeness. And it reminds me of some good times when God spoke and I understood, which gives me hope for those complicated and life-involving metaphors that haven't been explained to me yet.

Update

Hello World!

I haven't updated this in FOREVER! I am back in Oklahoma, as I presume you all know. I am graduating this year from OU. 70 days until graduation!! :) Praise GOD! This has been a bit of a rough semester, but regardless it will be over soon and I have gotten closer to and met a lot of people here. So that is a blessing.

One thing God has really laid on my heart is this new program thingy calle Rahab Rehab. It is a local female version of the Sampson Society which was founded by Nate Larkin. I highly advise everybody to read his book. It is DEFINITLY geared towards men, but as a woman I got a good deal out of it. Sampson Society is a group of men that meet together as fellow-travelers and are open with one another to support eachother and find support in a non-BS, manly, Christian environment. The focus tends to be in dealing with sexual temptation, but seriously we talk about anything and everything. It is kind of set up like an AA meeting. It is hard to explain how freeing it is to go to one of these meetings and be open and know no one is going to give you feedback or advice or judge you. They just listen and share their life. During the sharing part of the meeting a word is hosen to be a center peice of the discussion, but you can deviate from it if soemthign in your life seems more pressing. Words might be "betrayal" or "contentment" or any number of things there is always plenty to say about any given word (in my experience). Then whoever wants to shares for a few minutes each. Then we close in prayer. There are other aspects to the meeting, but I consider this the hightlight. Anyways IF you wanna know more google Samson Society or Nate Larkin or email me. God had me write a little thing for women about Rahab Rehab that kinda mirrors Nate Larkin's book, so if you want a copy of that I can email it to you. : )

In other news I think God wants me to live in Wales next year...
Some possibilities for this would be to do a baptist gap year internship OR maybe work for First Fruits. Check it out. : )

....never again to I try to load a video this long.

SO, it doesn't look red in the video, but I assure you I am burnt to a crisp and sore as all be it. I took the video yesterday but after 2 hours of downloading I gave up. Let's see if I have more stamina today.

Today is Veronika's birthday. It is also a Catholic holiday so we went to the 8 am Mass. It entirely in Polish. I think they change it up just to spite me. Atleast is was some preparation for me; I will be in Poland on Monday after all. Anyways I understood 1 out of every 10 words or so and eventually gave up and for some reason felt it important to push back my cuticles.

Made more little hedgehogs at about midnight last night. They are Runny and I think we are going to try to make them a cake or something.

Veronika is just as burned as me, except it is her whole back because she was in the bikini. Ouch. Yo should see us trying togo to sleep. We are a funny pair. Babushka frequently gets on to me for not eating enough, and for beign too white. ...despite my burn.

also... I didn't mention this earlier but the first day I got here when I asked babushka how she was she said "I'm old and I'll die soon." Oh, babushka. But I quickly got her callign herself a devushka with me.. which is a young lady.

Lazy Love

HApPY BIRTHDAY CHERITH!!!!

Well, Ladies and gentlemen, I am in good, ole’ Latvia now. :)

Let me recount my last moments in Russia.
Thursday:
Got up went to the Academy and paid part of my fees. When to the Institute to print of Paige’s flight confirmation and post that blog. Walked home in the rain, and finished up packing my backpack and purse. I called back and forth with the visa support lady who informed me I probably won’t be allowed into St. Pete until August 1st… I called my Parents about 20 times. Then I took out the trash. And came back up to turn in my key and say good bye. Almost cried (but that wouldn’t have been a first for the day). Then I went to Paige’s district and bought her some chips then showed up at her place. There we alternately watched 30rock and Heroes. Haha. It was good times. We had my computer set up at foot of her bed and hers on the chair beside the bed. Mine played 30rock, hers played Heroes. Yeah. We cool. Then she showered and packed and I chatted with my mum on skype. Then we just pretty much sat around. It was nothing spectacular, but very in character of our relationship. :)

Then at about 3:00 am we took the taxi to the airport. We got to see the open bridges. He got us there in 20 minutes. Paige and I sat together in the airport until about 4 when we got in line to get in. Hers was the second flight out. I had hoped to take her to luggage check-in… but I couldn’t because the security checks were before it. Got as close as I could then we said our goodbyes while suppressing tears.

In my last moments there I realized I had no exit strategy. Paige had said a bus went from the Airport to the Moskovsky metro station but it occurred to me that we were in the departure section… not the arrival one, so why would a bus leave from here? Concerning, but I figured it would all work out. I went upstairs. Found a vacant bench next to some ones where people were sleeping. I laid my head on my purse and wrapped myself around my backpack and slept. I woke up every hour and had to roll over because something or other was asleep, but I slept until like 6:30. When I woke up I was praying to find a way out and I looked out the window and saw a bus. I ran downstairs. That one had left but a marshrut was coming. I made sure it went to the metro and hopped on. It came there to drop people off but I just went throught the end of the line an dthe driver asked me if I was going back into town and I said yes, please so he turned around and took us back around. I paid and bolted.
It was before rush hour in the metro which was nice. I figured I needed to make a copy of my passport and there is a copier at the institute… plus it was pouring rain and I wanted to get inside before my feet were soaking again… well, I failed in that respect but I did get to the institute and got to call my parents and talk to them before they went to sleep. I hung out, used the internet and made the copy. I stalled around until the café was open got a bite to eat. The food there is cheap and filling so I figured it was a good place since I didn’t want to have to get more rubles. At the café I met Katriona and we got to talk for the last time it was nice. Then I left for the Academy. I got my ish done there really quick. I was still soking wet and pondered seeing a movie. I thought my errands would take all day, but they took such little time I had like 8 hours…. The movie theater was showing Night at the Museum 2… not interested. So I went to the metro to the station with the train station. I figured there was probably a movie theatre around there that would be showing something else.
I get there it is pouring harder than ever. I walk across the street to the Mc Donals thinking that is nothing else I could watch stupid stuff on the internet, but it is packed and I really didn’t wanna spend my last rubles on McyDs. So I peed and brushed my teeth there and left. I walked forever in no particular direction hoping to find a movie theatre. I was soaked through. I passed by a delicatessen about the time I was giving up hope. Good news is, I found a jazz hall. I’d like to go there something when I go back. Anyways, so I go in the delicatessen and break my last bill (100 rubles) on Israeli cheesecake and a cup of tea. I sat there and copied my numbers from my phone book. Nice. I zoned for who knows how long. Then I left. They say (here in Russia) that is it good luck if it rains the last place you are somewhere. It means the country is mourning your leaving… well, I don’t know about that but I can tell you that if you only have one pair of shoes and no umbrella and you have no where really to go it does put you in danger of getting a cold. :)

I go to the station and sit there. Praying, Zoning, texting, and eventually find myself being woken up by a Militia man. I fell asleep on my bags and he told me I shouldn’t sleep because my things could get stolen. I apologized and we walked off to be with his militia friends. That’ll wake a girl up. I texted some more and decided I needed some caffeine. I counted all of my change. I walked around until I found a kiosk with coke. I had to pay in the most annoying way possible… a bulk of it was 10 kopeck pieces. The thing cost 36 rubles. The girl was slightly annoyed but said “At least you weren’t paying with kopecks.” Made me smile.
I go back with my coke and sit next to the departures. I make a playlist on my ipod I like to call “Don’t sleep.” It is pretty much anything to hard, fast, or happy to fall asleep to. I bide my time there until it is time to go. Then I go. I switched over to my “sleep” playlist before I get on the train. I was asleep before they gave me the pillow or the sheets. I heard the army men making fun of me, but I didn’t care. Woke up to make my bed and fill out the forms and to give my passport, but other than that there was no waking me up until I got the D-pils.
Veronika picked me up at the station. We got home and talked to everyone. Papa was really sweet. He was asking me about my future plans and I said Lord knows what I am doing and that I was homesick. HE said I could just study in Russia and go home in the Summers. I said that that was too expensive to go to America and he said I should just call my dad and say I wanna go home and that is shouldn’t be a problem. He said money isn’t the most important thing. He talked about how it is here today and gone tomorrow, and how we shouldn’t put our trust in it and how the current financial crisis is evidence of that. Mama laughed a lot and said “We’ll aren’t you wise this morning!” They asked me a lot about st. pete. I didn’t really have a lot to say. I dunno why. :)
The bought out a DELISCIOUS cake and we ate it. When I saw Babushka I asked her how she was and she said “I’m old and I’ll die soon.” I love babushka. Babushka was glad to hear I’m not married. She is too cute. She said I was a smart girl and I told her she’s a smart girl too. She laughed really hard, so did mama. Then Babushka said “Jordan and I are just 2 girls together.” I said of course we are.
Veronika and I went to sleep and slept until 3. Now we be chillin.


Here are some old pictures so you can remember what I look like.

CHERITH!! I LOVE YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING SISTER!! I'd call you if I knew how!

Signing out...ish

Well. Today is my final-full day in St. Pete. I can’t believe it. Yesterday my darling friend and sister in Christ called up Andre from church and he came over and picked up my luggage and drove me and them to her place. I love my church.

Kristina has been kind enough to agree to keep my bags for me at her place while I am traveling around Europe. SO the current plan is for me to leave on a train tomorrow evening for Latvia. Stay there about 10 days then meet some friends in Poland and travel with them to the Ukraine, Moldova, and Romania(that whole trip will takeabout 10 days), then meet my parents in England. …then I guess come back to Russia and spend the semester (or possible the year) at RGHA. Then come back and finish my degree at OU. That is the rough plan. Be praying about it.

Also be praying about my homesickness and stuff. IT is stifling.

I paid the Academy a part of my tuition today so that we can start working on getting my visa. Yes I said START. Lord, help me. I dunno how this is gonna go down.

Waffle fries at Carl’s Jr. are good.

I got my certificate from the Institute. I of course passed with flying colors. Ha I was totally stressed out during finals week, but even on the day where I had 4 exams I owned like every single one of them. I even got to help out Paige on hers. Yeah that sound bad but according to the literature teacher, here they have this Orthodox sense of community so the students all help one another, where as in America be have a protestant/individualistic mindset so we find it wrong to help one another. I found that analysis to be interesting. But anyways, in our Oral exams I Would every now and then have a chance to clarify something to Paige or Joe to help them out and make the room less awkward. It was a boost in self esteem.

Paige got me crazy addicted to Heroes again. We are rocking through the 3rd season. Good times. It certainly does well to fend off the feeling of homesickness, but does my sleep cycle strange. I’ve been staying up time like 2 or 3 or 6 in the morning watching that, 30rock, or Arrested Development. I guess it is summer so that is kinda my normal summer sleeping habit. Plus the Sun hardly goes down if ever. We just get a few hours of dusk every day.

Tonight I’m gonna meet up with Paige tonight and go with her to the Airport. But I’ll get all of my belongings out of home first and take them with me. I guess that makes today the beginning of my vagrancy. …If it didn’t start a couple years ago. Just call me supertramp (but don’t because calling a girl a tramp isn’t the same as calling a guy a tramp… plus I didn’t like that movie, but I didn’t read the book).

Ok. I guess I am signing out. My ramblings are getting less coherent.

Still Tight-Rope Walking, but *NEW* with Net

Another post can you believe it???

:)
So, I am currently eating a DELIsCIOUS “salad.” I dunno what we would call it… maybe just vegetables. Anyways I cut up cucumber, avocado, and tomato and put a little lemon juice and lime juice on it and have found myself in heaven.

After my early morning Russian class I used the interwebs a bit and then went to the Academy. At the Academy I picked up my paperwork to be an official student and stuff for my visa.

Now I’m home for a breather and food and to pick up my computer, because my plan is to take my laptop to the institute and do any number of the 10000 things I need to to in the next couple weeks, most of them need my laptop, and/or the internet.

Why I’m posting other than to be a hobbit it to say that I got an email from the people in charge of my scholarship in America! Oh, let me explain that. As my parents and I are hashing out possible options for the upcoming school year and trying to figure out the wisest way of going about all of this, my mother made a BRILLIANT suggestion. (Man, now I am eating more of that pasta and having a chocolate-soy shake… I am in HEAVEN!!) She told me to contact my scholarship providers at OU and see if I can defer my scholarship. I emailed yesterday and was surprised by Jeff’s characteristically American to respond to the same day he received the email. Now as many of you know, this is only technically my second year at the University, but the Lord has blessed me with an overabundance of hours so that it should only take me 1 more year to graduate with my Russian degree if I go back to OU. He said I that I have a four-year scholarship and if I choose to go to this school it can be considered a non-reciprocal exchange. So, if for example I go to the Russian Christian Academy for the Humanities for a year and realize it isn’t where I want to be long term, I can return to OU and I’d have lost 2 semesters of my scholarship, but I would have 2 semesters left… and since I was only planning on using 2 semesters anyways, that IS WONDERFUL NEWS. :) SO let us expound upon this scenario. Supposing after a year of studying at the Academy I for whatever reason decide that is enough, I go back to OU, pick right back up my scholarship and can resume my loans without missing a beat, and I’ll still have graduated in 4 years with a Bachelor’s in Russian to be added to my already established Associate’s degree in Drug and Alcohol Abuse Counseling. What’s more I’ll have lived an extra year in Russia and SUBSTANCIALLY improved my Russian which will help me in the rest of my Russian classes, which I could really use. I currently have a higher GPA overall than I do in my major, which isn’t exactly peachy-keen. And it could make me more marketable in the potential work-force (if dealing with say translation, interpretation, or ESL in the Former USSR). Who knows, maybe this route was God’s intention all along and I only just now realized it was an option.
BUT DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP FOR THAT. In my head this is still more of a Plan B than a Plan A, I’m just saying that it Is nice, and I am not really the one calling the shots anyways, so who knows what the future holds. :)

YES! For dessert the last chocolate chip cookie!!!! BLISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Sorry Nicole if this one is too long... you can take it in chunks :)

I again didn’t get out of bed at the time I had hoped for, but I wasn’t trying too very hard since I am still in the healing process and I had my big interview today. I ate more pasta and macaroni for breakfast and got ready for the day.
SKIPPING AHEAD…

OK. So I get to the Academy at like 2:30 PM. I show the secretary my Diploma and stuff and say I am early but that I am there for my Interview and I don’t know who I am supposed to give my paperwork to. She seems very surprised that I think I have an interview and tells me to wait in the hall for the vice-rector. I wait… and wait. When he finally comes there are many people waiting for him and it doesn’t seem to matter much to him what order he sees them in. The Secretary unfortunately lost my application so she is running around looking all over the world trying to find it, the poor lady. Finally at like 3:30 she tells me to come into the inner waiting room. After a short time there she tells me to go in and see the vice-rector.
I hand him my papers and act awkward and forget to say hello. I recover and he calls the rector (I only found out who it was later) and says he has the American he had talked about previously and wants to know if they have time for an interview at 4:00. The person on the other end agrees and they say they need to get someone from the Psychology department to come too. I then am told to keep my papers and go to inner waiting room again. He tells the secretary that there will be an interview today and her jaw just about drops clear to the floor and she says “TODAY???” (in Russian obviously) and he then makes sure there is a clear room to so it in. Then while he is seeing like 5 other students in record time, the secretary somewhat apologetically asks me to fill out the application again… grrrr… I mean I understand the error and all I just hate filling out official Russian document that always have plenty of words I don’t know and it is clear that time is of the essence. The Vice-rector comes out and asks if I am ready when I haven’t finished the form but am done with just about everything I understand… so I stall for a few minutes and then say I am ready.
I enter the room to realize I am having a personal interview with the rector, the vice-rector, and the head of the Psychology Department. Yes. In Russian. And so they look at my transcript but they don’t really seem to take much stock in it and even ask if it is a highschool transcript… I dunno. I think we’ll have to have words about that later, but they seem to think that since the process here is so different that I will have to do the full 5 years. The head of the Psychology department seemed very interested in a more detailed list of what I’d learned, but the vice-rector didn’t so much. I think I’d rather have that than the other way around… anyways, they asked where I would live and I said I’d need to live in a dorm, and then the rector called somebody… he was actually on the phone most of the conversation, but as soon as he would get off the phone he would jump right back into the conversation without missing a beat. When they found out I wanted a dorm for the summer and the school year they said I’d probably have to get one out by Peterhof, which is hella far away, just because all the dorms fill up in the summer. But then after one of the Rector’s phone calls he said I might be able to stay in these Baptist dorms and that they usually don’t even ask them, but since I am foreign and Baptist it should work out and that I need to go ask them… (they never actually gave me a number.. or address or anything… and I don’t know the official name… hmm, tomorrow is another day). Anyways everyone seemed very excited about that, including me. So they asked about my visa situation and they seemed to feel absolutely moved by my need for a visa. They gave me a speech about how everyone is equal at the school, whether Baptist, Orthodox, or non-believers and seemed to think this was a very grave and maybe even radical speech. *aside**Oh, kids, I’m from America REMEMBER!*
After the interview the vice-rector took me to this other office to get my visa info started. The guy had already left , so I am to go back tomorrow… the guy will only be in tomorrow from 10:00-13:00 so I think I’ll have to go right after class. As I left I was like flying, and almost forgot that I am weak and in poor health, but on the metro it caught up to me.
On the way home I went and got my pictures done for my official documents tomorrow.
When I got home Ira and her fiancée Roma were home and they said the pasta was really good and thanked me for making it, and didn’t understand how half of it was gone so they asked if Paige had come over. Heheh. Nope I am just a master at eating… and I eat it like 3 meals a day…. Haha.

GUESS WHAT!!! Ira found some chocolate-chip cookies at a local grocery store!!!! THAT IS LIKE AN ANSWER TO PRAYER. They were just sitting on the kitchen and she’d written “IT’S FOR YOU” (in English!!) on them! She is SUCH A SWEETY!! SO I ate so many of them and my pasta and now I am so full I am about ready for a food coma… but it might be an exhaustion coma.

And Both Helene and Kristina said they were praying for me and checked in with me after my interview! HOW WONDERFUL!! :)))))))
I LOVE THESE COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, Anecdote. The other day I was waiting for Paige outside Pizza&Pasta.com and as many of you know, when I zone out I do slightly strange things… especially if I am in a good mood. One of these things is standing on my tip-toes. I was doing this very thing absent mindedly when I was noticed by a quite shnackered bystander. The exact date of this happening was May 10th… the day after Victory and while it was about 1 pm I am fairly confident this fine fellow was still up and participating in the previous night’s festivities. He was perfectly harmless and quite jovial. He noticed my standing on my tippy-toes and quite naturally assumed I was doing so out of a longing for high-heels. He was kind enough to try to rectify the matter for me. HE walked up to me and bent over and placed his lighter under my left heel. It worked quite well I must say, and I thanked him kindly for his good deed. He told me he had another one if I wanted it. I nodded so he searched his pockets only to find a cigarette pack, so making do with what he had he placed it under my right foot. This was not entirely helpful, because I was afraid of smashing his cigarettes which wouldn’t be a very kind way of repaying his favor. I came down off of my toes in an awkward manner and told him I wasn’t able. He assured me that I only couldn’t because the objects were different heights this making me stand at different angles. I agreed and appreciated his attempt to cover-up my un-lady-likeness for being unable to stand in these high-heels we had constructed. He then wished me a happy holiday. I wished him one right back. He asked if I was waiting for my man, presumably a soldier. I nodded… I guess in a way Paige I is kind of my soldier… but really I realized I was lucky for him not yet realizing that I was foreign and while I was enjoying our conversation thoroughly I’ve found that is it wise to keep such chance meetings brief just to be on the safe-side. He jovially saluted with both of his hands and informed me he too was a military man. HE asked me if my man was a General, and then proceeded down the rank. As he was going further down I realized I was going to have to say yes eventually or create a distraction, so I pretended I was getting a call. HE continued to talk to me for a while and I occasionally responded. He waited a couple of time even though the walk light was green in his direction, but he eventually walked off, just as Paige was coming too… I don’t think he would have considered her much of a soldier. But am glad for that chance meeting. It brightened my stay.

I'm kinda sick :( but getting better :)

Hello loved ones! I’ve been sick for a while now. That is of course unfortunate, but I only seem to have a sinus infection which has caused a way sore throat… so I just have to drink a lot and sleep a lot and I started myself up on antibiotics yesterday. On the up side me being down and out has given me a lot if time to lay around and after watching almost all of my movies I realized I could use some of that new-found time for prayer and Bible study. That has been helpful for me to process some things. So it sucks that I’ve missed school, church, and rehab and haven’t been able to ChaCha or look into the stuff I need to prepare for life once my visa runs out… but… God’s got it and maybe he’s forcing this little at home vacation to remind me that it is on His shoulders a whole lot more than it is on mine. :)
On the downside, I’m sick, just about broke, and don’t know how everything is going to go down once I leave here… I’ve got an interview tomorrow at the Academy I am supposed to go to. I am nervous and hope I will be well, put-together and that I’ll be sharp as a tack with my Russian… pray for me… although by the time I post this it will probably have already happened.
On the up side, I’m cooking more since my house family is in Greece and I am home all day. Ira and I cooked chicken legs together. They were really good! They were fried buy not battered and seasoned with lime juice and onions. Sounds weird but was really good. She and I just improved it. I’ve been eating my traditional cheesy potatoes with regularity and today I made macaroni and tomato sauce. I hate to say it but I absolutely disagree with Russian tomato products. Their tomato sauces are little more than glorified ketchup, so I made my own. It turned out pretty good I think. :) I used tomato paste, half of a tomato, water, oil, basil, and some beef bouillon. I ate like 3 helpings, but I made SOO much that I barely tapped into the supply I’d made. I am excited about this discovery. I am trying to figure out how to live cheaply next semester and now I have a nice easy, lazy, cheap alternative to my cheesy potatoes. I’m not trying to go vegetarian or anything, but as we all know meat isn’t cheap, so now I’ve got 2 swell dishes that are filling but don’t involve meats. And I realize both of these dishes are largely starch-based, but I’m okay with that.
Less than three weeks before my visa runs out. How do these things happen? I still am not completely sure what I am going to do with my luggage… Ha I am not entirely sure where I am going to go or how or via what transport or when. One day at a time I guess. I’ve looked into train tickets. I think I’ll probably leave here on a train to Latvia at about 8 o’clock on June 4th, and then Arrive in D-pils at like in the morning…. The only thing is that really sucks for my Latvian family. I almost wish I could tell them to pick me up at like 9 or something just so they don’t have to get up so early… I dunno. I could just walk to the bus station and wait for the trains to starts running and take one home. That wouldn’t be a problem if I leave my big luggage with somebody in Russia…

Sorry for the Rambling. Thank you all for commenting and being so sweet and wonderful last post. :)

I have an anecdote I need to write on here soon!!!

Mixed Feelings

I am so tired of explaining to people that Psychology is A) useful and B) not evil. With every single new person it is like I am defending a cult (it maybe only with protestants here, but I am not sure)… and that brings me back to most people who aren’t protestant thinking Baptists are a cult… so, what the heck, I am like a part of 2 warring cults I never knew it.
My host family is in Greece right now. This girl Ira is staying with me in lieu of them. She is a dear. She is the one I believe I mentioned earlier (a LONG time ago). She Plays bass and is protestant. Anyways… Last night she and I got into this like 1 hour discussion of psychology. She was seriously fighting it so fervently that it was like against everything she’d ever learned. Plus she mentioned that she had learned in Bible school that is was opposing God or something, and she kept on being like there are no psychologists in the Bible. Then she would say stuff like (when I was explaining Christian Psychology) “so if I learn the science of the brain and I learn what the Bible says about how to think, then I don’t need God do I?” What the crap kind of logic is that? That has nothing to do with anything I tell ya! You can say that about Theology, any science including medicine, and any philosophy… AH! It is just so frustrating to be dealing with this wonderful, passionate, god-seeking woman who thinks I am going into a profession of demon worship or something.
Oh and when I mentioned that some of my pastors back home regularly go to a psychologist it is like I had said some of my pastors back home are heretics. When I explained to her and tried to brush off her misconceptions of what psychology is, especially Christian psychology, she eventually said “We don’t have that kind of psychology here.” What? I will be going to a school that has whole courses on Christian Psychology.
I thought I had made some sort of head way… this morning when she woke me up (which I haven’t been woken up by a human being in months…) she told me about this disk series she has about how we don’t need psychology and she asked if I wanted to hear it. She said it was speakers from America, Britain and Russia. My thought was “Why would I want to listen to that crap tear down my future profession based upon misconceptions and ignorance?” But I just said yes, so I’m sure she’ll supply me with is soon. It is just aggravating.
I am tried of feeling like A)no one understands or B) everyone is against me. Right now Russia feels like a battle field (I dunno maybe it is from Victory Day on Saturday). In addition to it being the typical Spiritual battlefield, I am constantly having to defend my relationship with God, the things he is telling me to do (ie staying here, studying psychology, and MUCH, MUCH MORE), and my field of study in general. I am also going have to soon start fighting the Visa office and all kinds of crap. It doesn’t really matter who I talk to, whether an American or a Russian, no nobody understands what the crap I am doing and why and they either seem to feel hurt that I am doing what I am doing, or seem to think something is seriously wrong with me.
This is of course gross generalizations and just because I am feeling cornered and you all, my dear loving readers, probably shouldn’t put much stock into this post except to see that I am agitated. Sorry I am venting to you, but in this particular moment is seems less daunting to vent to the faceless masses who haven’t even commented on this blog in forever (and thus perhaps I am venting to no one at all but simply writing this as a sort of message in a bottle to nowhere), then to talk to any one specific person who at any given moment in this rant-fest will either make it clear they have no clue what I am talking about, that they vehemently oppose me, or they will have to go do something more important with their time. …In summation (sort of) I would like to write 2 extremely eloquent essays in Russian 1)why Psychology is a helpful tool that God uses and condones and 2) why the crap I have done what I have and how God’s hand is in it. The second one should really be translated into English as well… but since I lack the ability to write anything worth reading in Russian, these two things that seem incredibly important to me to write will probably never get written and I’ll probably just find peace with my actions being misconstrued as something sinister… but I am not resigned to that just yet.

Again, sorry about that. I guess because I don’t have a psychologist right now I am taking it out on you guys. :)

In other news, it was Victory Day on Saturday. I really wanted to go to the Morning Parade, but I was not about to go alone. I called Paige like 10 times as I was in various stages of getting ready, but she never picked up so I gave up and once I was ready I just went back to bed. She called later and apologized. We did end up going to what she and I would consider a Parade, but for some reason the Russians don’t. They call it a demonstration. We went to it and we were kinda far from the road, because all the people were lined up. IT was the first day I didn’t wear any sort of coat at all. The morning was 20 Celsius and Sunny. AMAZING. As the Parade was minutes away storm clouds started brewing. Then a few straight-line winds blew in. Then it started raining a bit. Paige and I agreed that the weather was highly similar to what she and I have experienced in pre-tornadic conditions and while we knew there was not about to be a tornado in St. Pete I guess you could say it made us feel at home. Then is started pouring down. IT was funny because the rain was coming from the opposite direction of the parade, so when we heard screams we thought the parade was really close… until we realized the screams were coming from the opposite direction. Then we felt the down pour and quickly understood the cause of the screams and even made little yelps ourselves. Goodnews was a bunch of people left before the whole thing started so I was right next to the rope that was holding back the masses and right next to one of the soldiers guarding it. That soldier and I were cozy. I was at times practically leaning against him and his body frequently blocked the rain for me. At one point he said something good-naturedly to me but I didn’t recognize any of the words so I just smiled. After the parade was over the gates to the metro were closed. So we walked to another metro and then on the way to Paige’s home I bought the Scream trilogy (sad I know but there are no dvd stores by Paige’s place to I had to buy it at a phone and electronics store… it was a lot cheaper there though… but it also didn’t have any English options). So we dried of at Paige’s and watched the first two Screams in Russian and ate the junk and grapes we had bought at Diksi. Yesterday I went to church, then Pizza&Pasta.com with Paige, we found a park by here place and people watched, and then I went to church again. Then I came home and we ate blin and said goodbye to my family and talked to Ira about psychology….. grrr. :)



HAha. I get so worked up sometimes. 
I wrote that this morning.

Anyways, I’ve had a delightful day!! After I wrote you all I took a shower. I was alone in the house so I sang, yelled, and talked to/at/with God as was appropriate. It was not a highpoint of my life as far as the emotion spectrum goes but the Holy Spirit isn’t called our Counselor for nothing. :) So things got better. God calmed me down and reminded me that He is God and affirmed what He has called me to do the a much needed 1000th time. 
Aleksey had called me when I was in the shower, but I just ignored it and pretended that God wanted to play me a happy song. After my in-shower counseling session I called him back he cheered me up too. It we talked for like 15 minutes and he made me laugh for about 14 of those. :) And if any of you has seen me in a bad mood, you know how impressive of an accomplishment that is. He was at his new church until late last night and he really, really likes it there. I think he was going fishing when I was calling him and he was fishing when I called him yesterday too. I guess he really enjoys fishing, which is highly idyllic to me… but I am not so sure that he actually likes fish. One time he told me the best fish was a sausage. I am inclined to agree, and that sounds like something Grandpa would say :) I dunno but it is good that he has a productive way of spending his time.
Oh, be praying for Seryozha. He is living at home, he moved out from the brothers a while back because he thought he had a job lined up. Well, 3 people basically tell him they need him to work for them and then they never call back. This is of course very aggravating and confusing to him and he is concerned because especially since he has a past of heroin addiction, being home all the time with nothing to do is a really bad situation for him to be in. I don’t pretend to know what God is hoping to accomplish by this situation but I know Seryozha’s prayer is for a good job and quick. :)
Anyways, after talking to him I straightened some stuff up and made myself some scrambled egg, oatmeal, and nuked bread. After I ate I tried to post this but the internet won’t let me do anything I want to. I can’t get on facebook, my email, my bank account, or sign into my blog. So, I called my mommy! She was HAPPY!!! I haven’t really heard her really and truly happy in a while so that was WONDERFUL. Then I did the dishes and did some surfing online. Then I watched one of the last songs in Kill Bill 1 because I have been wanting to hear that song for a long time. IT really made me wanna watch the whole movies but I stopped it. Then I got out my Russian grammar book and got to work. I already did almost all of my Russian homework on Friday night (don’t judge me… I was actually excited about this new grammatical structure), but I always need to work on my Russian grammar when I have a chance to I finally went back to that Russian grammar book I bought and did a bit on it. I really need to study grammar harder!!!! I guess today was a baby step. Then I called Jenny Hartsell! Yea!! IT was swell! I only had 7 minutes with her but they were great. Kristina called me and we’re gonna meet before the parent meeting. Normally I would go to the intake… but meeting Kristina sounds better to be honest,
I’ve been home alone with Jesus all day (except when Ira talked to me while I was still in bed)! It has been WONDERFUL!! YEA!!!! Yea Jesus! Yea chillin’! Yea for Kristina FINALLY being back! Yea for Russian Grammar!
Yesterday when I called home for Mother’s Day I finally got to talk to my dear Grandmommie! It was nice. She said she wishes I would come home, and I could honestly say me too. I am pretty fatigued when I think about it and I am really excited to get out of Russia for the Summer. I never thought I would say such a thing, and sometimes when I sit on the beach at Ozerki I think that I should never have the need to leave because there are so many relaxing places the Lord has supplied me with. But I would really like to get away from this life I’m living here. It is a great life and all, but I need a break. I am warn out. I would love to be at home with my family and friends and Tybalt and with Tornadoes and all. Today is a testament that despite this wariness, God will always give me the strength, peace, and joy I need to get through and do what He wants. His will is better than mine and, praise God, HE is a loving and compassionate God and will see me through to the end. Gotta go.