My Yesterday in GIFs

Okay. I promise to talk about something other than hormones at some point. And soon. But today that is on my mind… and in my brain.

Jasper and I are supposed to be escalating our level of treatment. I was really excited about it too. But when I went in for my “baseline” trans-vaginal ultrasound (which is a topic of a future blog I am sure), they found a 4 cm (over 1.5 inches) cyst on my right ovary. So, this month is a no go for any hope of conception, and I get to be on a fun drug for 3 weeks to help my cyst go away.

I have Polycystic Ovarian syndrome, so I am no stranger to cysts. But, I haven’t had a big one in a while AND I have never been put on meds to get rid of them (my general practitioner just lets them burst organically … and quite painfully). I [foolishly] didn’t expect these drugs to mess with my emotions. And they do.

My ovaries and I have a love hate relationship. Basically, I would love for them to get their shit together and they hate me. Before I was really willing to be super open about my problems but still wanted my rants to go out into the cosmos, I actually got a twitter for my ovaries. And whenever they caused me great pain I would get on and write a few quips or rants.

Anyways, so back to hormones. One thing I didn’t tell you about my wonderful 10 days on Provera is that one night I woke up screaming from nightmares multiple times while I was on it. All of the dreams involved me not being able to control my body. In one I had a dream within a dream, so I woke up from nightmare in the dream and then I knew the nightmare could still get me, but I thought I was awake in bed with Jasper beside me. So, I started shaking him and trying to wake him up, but he won’t wake up. So I try to talk to him, but no noise comes out. So, I start screaming full strength with no noise coming out and panicking and practically hitting him. When I finally do get noise to come out: I am waking up in the real world while screaming. In another dream a venomous lizard is on me and I know it will bite and kill me unless I can grab it by the neck, but my arms don’t work. So, in short, I was really struggling with feeling utterly out of control of my body.

And now that I am only on like day 3 of a 21 day pill cycle, some of those issues are resurfacing. This time, I feel a little less distant from the crazy. It feels more a part of me than separate. And for some reason as I am going through this I keep thinking of The Shining. So, for your amusement: my life in Shining GIFs.

How I feel in general about these drugs:

Yesterday when I realized I forgot to order waffle fries at Waffle Champion I said “I am kinda bummed.” But this is more accurate:

I am fairly confident that this is the look I gave Jasper when he asked if I could go in to the grocery store myself.

Later I felt like being playful with Jasper and I am pretty sure I looked like this:

But if he ever got playful back I probably reacted about like this:

Later in the day when I found internal need to say something along the lines of this to Jasper:

I realized it was because I could pretty easily see this happening… and I did recently by a hatchet.

So, I basically attempted to change the script. It looked a little like this.

As mentioned in a previous post, Jasper and I are really trying to treat out bodies better and take care of ourselves. Luckily not only do I have a husband who can handle all of the crazy I put him through the whole day, but he also cares enough to call me out when I need it. When I pulled out our organic substitute for cheese-its and pulled out a handful he said “Do we need to get real food? Are you eating because you are hungry or because you are sad?”

Man, I have a good husband. We talked out my concern for brutally attacking him either verbally or physically. I mentioned it seemed stupid to talk out something that is so not me. I also mentioned I was about to watch shitty TV to further numb the crazy, and he pointed out we should find a better alternative. Something I actually like and don’t just do to avoid me.

So I played video games and it was awesome.

The end.

The Crazy Comes in Waves

I will probably go back and give you some insight into what our journey has looked like since we started trying to conceive, but for now I am going to dive right in close to the present.

Sometimes I do not ovulate (which as you can imagine does not help my fertility) and I was recently given a hormone that is given to women in order to jump them back to cycle day one (meaning: to force a period) so that they can have another shot at ovulation in a timely manner. I was placed on a 10 day cycle of said drug and had some fun side effects I would like to talk about.

The first noticeable side effect was some crazy mood swings. As I was experiencing them I kept trying to visualize a metaphor that helped explain it and this is the best I came up with: Imagine your normal ebb, flow, and flux is like high tide and low tide on a fairly peaceful shoreline. The effect of these hormones for me was like huge surfable waves crashing in. I knew they weren't really of me. They felt different from high and low tide… but all I could do was ride them out or get sucked under. I was thankful that I knew they were hormone related at the time so I didn't feel too crazy, but it was a less than enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

I had warned Jasper earlier in the day before St. Patrick’s day that I was having hormone related mood swings, but we still ended up having a rather ridiculous encounter later that night. A little back story here, when I was in preschool I was not wearing green on St. Patrick’s day and got pinched viciously which had left me feeling a little uneasy about the holiday ever since. This year, I had forgotten the following day was St. Patrick’s day until about 11:30 at night.

At this point I nearly panicked thinking I may not have green in my wardrobe for the following day, then I thought hits me: do I need to wear green tonight to ensure that I am not going to get pinched? So, I turn to Jasper and say, “Do you promise not to pinch me if I am not wearing green tomorrow.” To which he teasingly replies “I promise to pinch you,” which sends me into deep, genuine, and irrational fear. I run into the other room and scour both his and my side of the closet for something I can sleep in that is green.  I am throwing hangers around like a mad woman. I finally find an old light green tank top and throw it on feverishly. I walk back in the living room and sigh in relief saying “I found something green.” Jasper’s playful response, “…but that is not really like Saint Patrick’s Day green… I mean it doesn’t really count.” Which I respond to by sobbing violently while yelling “I TOLD YOU I WAS HORMONAL!!!!”

Poor Jasper had no idea what he was getting into. He immediately opens his arms to embrace me. Now, Jasper hates it when my hair is wet. I had recently showered and much earlier he had made a joking comment about not wanting me to touch him with my wet hair. So, naturally my response to his concern, compassion, and open arms is to yell “NO! I’m not allowed to touch you!” and run out of the room.

Did I mention this happened on the first day that I started to notice side effects? It didn’t get much prettier from there, folks. The next couple days, I felt constant opposites. At one point, I sat by myself trying to give words to my feelings. The best I came up with was “I want to punch someone while crying.” Later I deeply felt “I want to walk a mile while sleeping.”

If that wasn’t enough fun, two of my other main side effects were nausea and dizziness. In fact, there were multiple days that week that I was unable to drive because of how dizzy I was and days in which I was basically couch ridden because the slightest movement felt like turning my head into a spinning top. So yeah. Not a barrel of laughs.

One thing that meant an enormous amount to me that week was something Jasper said. I forget his exact words, but the conversation went something along the lines of the following.

Jasper: If I were the one that had to go through all of this, I would just be like: yeah… we're not gonna be having biological kids.

Me: Really?

Jasper: Yeah, you are a lot stronger than me.

I was really taken aback by that. Personally, I do not think I am stronger than him for a minute and most the time I feel like a wimp. Jasper always seems like he can handle anything. When he is sick I usually forget he is sick because he so chill about it, whereas I am a complainy & groany little thing. But it really means a lot to me that he thinks that about me. It makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel more hopeful. It makes me feel like I can do this.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything fertility or my life related or if there is anything in particular you’d like to see me address on here. Thanks!